Doctor Who Abridged
by Anonymius
Summary: Doctor Who abridged and parodied.
1. The Parting Of The Ways

**Hello all! The following is a Doctor Who parody I drafted years ago, and only now have been able to post it, updating it a little. The following parodies the Season One finale. I may parody other episodes in the future but for now-**

Commentator: Hey Anon!

**-Com? What are you doing here?**

Commentator: You seemed to have made an error in the title! You forgot to add '(With Commentary)' at the end! And how come you haven't got me introducing this parody?

Professor: You didn't tell him, did you?

**I didn't see the need.**

Commentator: -Tell me what?

**-Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but-you're not featured in this parody.**

Commentator: -WHAT? WHY THE HELL NOT?

**Because there was no need for you anywhere in this parody! I only ever give you lines when it needs it! You know how I like to keep my work organic!**

Commentator: (Mutters) (I'll give YOU organic)

**Oh and before I forget, I do not own Doctor Who or anything related.**

* * *

_Last time on Doctor Who, the Doctor and his companions found themselves as unwilling contestants in game shows that everyone recognises despite this being hundreds and thousands of years in the future. Hmm. You would have thought that television would have changed in that period. Perhaps the crew were just going through a retro phase. Then again I'm not surprised that Big Brother is still around and popular 500,000 years in the future. But I'm drifting topic here. The Doctor Who crew later discover that the losers receive death, but then later discove that they don't actually die, but rather get teleported on a hidden Dalek fleet. With Rose captured, the Doctor and Jack invade the fleet and confront the enemy._

Commentator: Oh sure. The narrator guy you incorporate!

* * *

Doctor: How is it that you have survived?

Voice: THEY SUR-VI-VETHED THROUGH ME.

Doctor: Gasp! It can't be-?

Rose: Who is it?

Doctor: The Dalek Emperor!

Rose: -Is that all? Awww. I was expecting it to be Davros rather than an original, one-off character!

Doctor: He's not due to reappear for another few seasons.

Rose: What?

Doctor: Nothing!

* * *

Dalek Emperor: THOU FOR-CETHED ME TO GO-ETH WAN-DER-ING IN SPACE, WITH NO-THING TO DO EX-CEPT WAT-CHETH ALL STAR TREK E-PI-SODES FROM ALL FOUR SE-RIES. AS TIME PASSED, AND AS I WAT-CHETHED THE E-PI-SODES O-VER AND O-VER A-GAIN, I BE-CA-METH FAS-CI-NA-TED WITH THE STAR TREK U-NI-VERSE- AND BE-CA-METH-

Doctor: NO!

Dalek Emperor: -A TRE-KKIE!

Rose: Is that why on the wall beside you it says 'Trekkies rule. Exterminate all Star Wars fans'?

Emperor: IT IS IN-DEED. AND AS I WAT-CHETHED STAR TREK O-VER AND O-VER AGAIN, I BE-CA-METH FAS-CI-NA-TED WITH THE BORG, A RACE AS FEARED AND AS CY-BER-NE-TIC AS MY OWN. I WAS PAR-TI-CU-LAR-LY IN-TRIGUED BY THEIR ME-THOD OF A-SSI-MI-LA-TING O-THER SPE-CIES IN-TO THEIR OWN RACE. AND SO I RE-A-LISED – WHY JUST SIM-PLY RELY ON RE-PRO-DUC-TION WITH-IN MY OWN SPE-CIES- WHEN I CAN TURN-ETH O-THERS IN-TO MY OWN KIND IN OR-DER TO RE-BUILD.

Rose: Gasp! You mean-?

Emperor: YES. FROM THOSE TE-LE-POR-TETHED HERE, THEIR CORP-SES HAVE BEEN USE-DETH TO CRE-A-TETH DA-LEKS. IN O-THER WORDS, WE HAVE A-SSI-MI-LA-TEHTED THE HU-MANS IN-TO THE DA-LEK RACE. WE HAVE AL-SO LEARNT FROM THE GREAT BORG THE AIM OF PER-FEC-TION, AS WELL AS A NEW CATCH-PHRASE.

Doctor: No! Surely nothing to replace 'exterminate! Exterminate!'

Daleks: WE ARE THE DA-LEKS! THOU SHALT BE EX-TER-MI-NA-TETHED! RE-SIS-TANCE IS FU-TILE!

Jack: Hold on! Four series? There are five aren't there?

Daleks: GASP!

Jack: What?

Daleks: BLAS-PHE-MY! THOU SPEA-KEST BLAS-PHE-MY! THOU MEN-TIO-NETH THE HE-RE-TI-CAL AND NON-CA-NON SE-RIES OF STAR TREK: EN-TER-PRISE! THOU SHALT BE SMO-TED!

Docter: God, they really are trekkies! They hate the last series because of how it created inconsistencies with the rest of the universe!

Rose: I think you could tell they were trekkies with the fake Vulcan ears they're wearing.

Doctor: That as well. Hold on. Since when do Daleks have a notion of blasphemy? And since when do they say 'smite' instead of 'exterminate'? AND WHAT'S WITH ALL THE MIDDLE ENGLISH?

Emperor: DU-RING THE TIME A-LONE, I HAVE SOME-HOW COME TO THE CON-CLU-SION THAT I AM GOD! WE'VE E-VEN HAD A COU-PLE OF HO-LY WARS.

Doctor: Oh really?

Emperor: OH YES. A COU-PLE OF YEARS BACK, THERE WAS A FEUD BE-TWEEN THE PA-GAN EX-TER-MI-NA-TORS, WHO WAN-TED TO RE-TAIN THE OLD TRA-DI-TION OF CRY-ING OUT 'EX-TER-MI-NATE, EX-TER-M-INATE!' BE-FORE SMI-TING OUR E-NE-MIES, AND THE FAITH-FUL SMO-TERS, WHO WISHED TO CRY-ETH OUT 'SMITE! SMITE!' NA-TU-RA-LLY THE SMI-TERS WON.

Doctor: -You were fighting each other over a use of words? You're mad!

Emperor: NO, WE'RE FA-NA-TI-CAL.

Doctor: What's the difference?

Emperor: WE'VE AL-SO HA-DETH A WAR BE-TWEEN THE CA-NO-NITES AND NON-CA-NO-NITES O-VER THE CA-NO-NO-CI-TY OF 'EN-TER-PRISE', WHICH THE CA-NO-NITES WO-NETH.

Doctor: Huh. I would have thought that the canonites would have lost.

Rose: So hold on, you drew from a human religion? What was wrong with identifying with a god from your own homeworld of- actually what is the Dalek homeworld called?

Doctor: That fact has never been mentioned for some reason.

Emperor: SA-DLY THE DA-LEKS HA-VETH FOR-GOT-TEN THE AN-CIENT RE-LI-GIONS OF OUR HOME-WORLD.

Rose: So what, out of all the religions of all the races in the universe, you just happened to choose a human one? Is it just me or is Russell T. Davies' take on 'Doctor Who' the most human-centric series in all of sci-fi? What with all the episodes based on or around Earth, every race in five billion years time tracing descent from Earth and let's not forget how the fourth bountiful HUMAN empire was an age of enlightenment for all the universe?

Doctor: Meh, 'Smallville's' worse. At least we don't portray all non-humans and non-non-metahumans as naturally evil.

Jack: Hold on. Non-non-metahumans? Wait a minute! If saying 'exterminate' is blasphemous now, then how come you said 'exterminate' a few second ago?

Daleks: NO WE DID-N'T.

Jack: YES YOU DID!

Daleks: NO WE DID-N'T.

Jack: YES YOU DID! IT EVEN SAYS 'EXTERMINATE' ON THAT POSTER-

(On the poster between the words 'rule' and 'all' something has been blotted out with 'Smite' scribbled above).

Jack: But-but-

* * *

_After the Doctor and his companions escaped, the daleks prepared their invasion of Earth._

Daleks: WE ARE THE DA-LEKS. THOU SHALT BE SMO-TETHED. RE-SIS-TANCE IS FU-TILE.

Dalek: THEY SHALL BE EX-TER-MI-NA-TED!

Daleks: GASP!

Dalek: WHAT?

Dalek: YOU SAID, EX-TER-MIN-ATE?

Dalek: WHAT? NO, NO, I DID-N'T MEAN-?

Daleks: SMITE! SMITE! SMITE!

Dalek: GAK!

Emperor: RIGHT THEN. BE-FORE WE SET OFF LET'S PU-RI-FY OUR PEO-PLE OF A-NY UN-BE-LIE-VERS!

* * *

Lynda: The Daleks have appeared to stop! And They're attacking each other!

Doctor: Like any good fanatics, they're more concerned with themselves than others.

BOM BOM BOM CH

Jack: Is that even true?

Doctor: -Maybe. But then again this is a parody. People will believe anything we say!

* * *

_After purging themselves of any possible unbelievers, with the great majority ironically being believers, the daleks re-initiate their invasion of Earth and the station._

Doctor: Don't worry. We've got the ultimate weapon against the Daleks!

* * *

Annedroid: YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK. GOODBYE.

Dalek: GAK!

Dalek 1: NO! THE HU-MANS HAVE UN-LEASHED ANNE RO-BIN-SON, SOME-ONE WHO IS AS E-VIL AND FEARED AS US!

ANNEDROID: GAK!

Dalek 1: HUH. I GUESS SHE WAS ALL BARK AND NO BITE.

* * *

Female Programmer:No! They took down Anne Robinson!

Male Programmer: No! If Anne Robinson couldn't defeat the Daleks, then what chance do we have?

* * *

_With the defeat of Anne Robinson, the fighters quickly lose morale, and are easily smoted by the Daleks. Meanwhile in order to save her, the Doctor tricks Rose into going into the Tardis and sending her home. Not happy with this arrangement, Rose sees the word 'Bad Wolf' everywhere, and somehow comes to the conclusion that it's a sign not to give up, and tries opening the Tardis._

Rose: Now let's see if this will work. (Pulls a lever)

(Something falls at a fast rate. Then an anvil lands on top of the TARDIS, but not leaving a dent)

Rose: Drat. Not a single scratch.

Mickey: I told you you shouldn't have got that anvil from ACME! They're like the Ikea of diabolical schemes!

* * *

Rodrick: Oh no! The Daleks! They're real! They're- oh wait, it's just a bunch of sci-fi geeks!

Contestant: Phew! If it wasn't for those lame fake vulcan ears, I would have thought they were really Daleks!

Lynda: (Watching the scene) No! No you fools! They're-

Daleks: YOU DARE IN-SULT OUR OR-NA-MEN-TAL EAR-WEAR?

Rodrick: Oh what are you going to do about it? EX-TER-MIN-ATE us?

Daleks: NO, WE SHALL SMITE! SMITE! SMITE!

_With all the humans on the station dead, the only one left is the Doctor. Before he can be smoted, however, the Tardis appears out of nowhere._

Tardis: KNOCK KNOCK.

Daleks: (Turn their heads to look at the Tardis) WHO'S THERE?

Rose: Deus.

Daleks: -DE-US WHO?

Rose: DEUS EX MACHINA!

Daleks: GAK!

Emperor: No! I AM GOD! I WILL NOT DIE!

Rose: Fool. This is Doctor Who. Everything dies- apart from Time lords who regenerate.

Emperor: GAK!

Doctor Who: God from machine trumps false god every time. Oh I get it! You're a deus ex machina because you've become a god from the tardis, which is a machine! It's so funny!

Rose: GAK!

Doctor Who: And now I've killed the joke.

* * *

_After reviving Rose, the Doctor and her depart the station, and reflect on the recent events._

Doctor: Well I hope we've seen the last of those trekkie Daleks! They were perhaps the worst variant of Dalek ever conceived! So let me get this straight, you inserted the word 'Bad Wolf' throughout the series just to somehow make you not give up? Rose, if I thought that a couple of random words would imprint some sort of message in your brain, I would have stuck postits around the Tardis with the words 'little lamb' to remind you to turn the iron off!

Rose: How would 'little lamb' remind me to turn it off?

Doctor: How did 'Bad Wolf' encourage you not to give up?

Rose: Touche. Btw we should go back for Jack.

Doctor: He's dead.

Rose: No I brought him back to life with my god-like powers.

Doctor: -You what? Rose, you shouldn't have done that!

Rose: Why, because the flow of the universe is far more important than preserving lives?

Doctor: No because this way he'll never die and degenerate over billions of years into a giant head.

Rose: Yeah. Like that would happen!

Commentator: Oh my God, Anonymius! An irony line? Do you see what happens when I'm not around to keep your fics' quality in check?

Rose: -So, shouldn't we go back for him?

Doctor: Nah, he'll be fine.

Rose: He's stranded on a station with full of bodies!

Doctor: True, but I just remembered I left the oven on somewhere and we really need to- okay I admit it! I'm terrified of things that come back from the dead, okay?

Rose: You come back from the dead all the time!

Doctor: Anything that isn't me. Speaking of which, I'm about to die and regenerate.

Rose: -What? But the series has only just been rebooted!

Doctor: True, but my actor has realised too late that the series isn't for him. Oh well. At least I can regenerate happy knowing that I'm off to have a great movie career and that my replacement will fail to outshine me!

* * *

ONE YEAR LATER…

* * *

(Someone is reading a newspaper with headline 'David Tenant Heralded As Greatest Doctor Who Ever')

Claude Rains: DAMN YOU, DAVID TENNANT!

THE END


	2. The Search For Class

_How did this happen to me? One minute I'm working at a shop, in a stable relationship with my boyfriend Mickey, and on good terms with my mum Jackie, the next I'm hanging on a rope for sheer life during world war two on a blimp with a union jack blazoned across my t-shirt!_

_It all started on that fateful night. My name is Rose Tyler. I was working late one night when all the mannequins came to life and started chasing me. Then I met: him._

Rose: Oh I get it! It's a Doctor Who spoof!

Doctor: No it's-wait, what?

Rose: Oh I'm sorry! I didn't realised it was comic relief already!

Doctor: -What makes you think that it's a Doctor Who Spoof?

Rose: Oh please! The lighting and music and the chase scene and the plastic aliens? Ooooooooh. Sure it was scary in the sixties, but it's the naughties now!

Doctor: No, it's not a Doctor Who spoof. This is the real deal.

Rose: -Are you kidding me? This-THIS-is the revived series that everyone has been waiting for?

Doctor: Yep.

Rose: Huh. I was kinda expecting something with a bit more-class. Seriously?

Doctor: Yep. Well class isn't good enough for a family show!

Rose: I mean seriously, the sketch with Rowan Atkinson had more class!

_After getting rescued by him (And losing my living in the process), he came by the next day to save me from a mannequin arm which then comically grabbed him and started choking him._

Rose: Are you sure this isn't a Doctor Who Spoof?

Doctor: I-m-GAK-positive!

_Later that day, after finding out more about the Doctor, I discover that my boyfriend has become a pod person- only instead of a pod person, he's a plastic person. Once again the Doctor comes to my rescue and chops off the plastic Mickey's head, who continues talking to him, making a bystander jump._

Rose: Okay, that's it! You're not fooling me anymore. This has got to be a 'Doctor Who' spoof-

Doctor: Look here! (Giving Auton Mickey's head to a nearby bystander) This is not a spoof! This is the reaaaaaaaaaaaaaal deaaaaaaaaaaaal!

Rose: Pfft. Some revival this is then! I don't see it surviving its first season!

_And so, I was mourning the likely death of my boyfriend Mickey, getting no sympathy from the Doctor about it._

Doctor: Well excuse me for not caring about one significant ape while trying to save all 6 billion of you.

Rose: And excuse me for being upset that the love of my life is dead! And why are you so negative about humans? Aren't you half-human?

Doctor: -As stated in the 1996 film, yes, but we're trying VERY HARD to pretend that whole adventure never happened! Sure we'll admit that I regenerated, and that the Master died, but that's about it! If the Master comes back and we're all baffled how he's back, we won't even mention how he died in the first place!

Rose: Aren't you worried that will appear a little-odd?

Doctor: Like I said. We're willing to go any lengths to pretend that whole television movie never happened.

_So after rescuing the Doctor and saving the day (he was completely useless throughout the whole thing), I later became his companion. After seeing the end of the world and coming back, the Doctor told me something shocking._

Doctor: I'm the last of my kind.

Rose: -WHAT? What happened to the other Gallifreyans?

Doctor: -The what now?

Rose: You know? You're race?

Doctor: My race were the Time Lords. I don't know where you got this idea that my race were called Gallifreyans!

Rose: So, what do you call a member of your race that isn't a Time Lord?

Doctor: What do you mean? My race are all born Time Lords!

Rose: -So, each member of your race is a master of time at birth?

Doctor: Of course! We were hereditary lords!

Rose: -O-kay. Well anyway, what happened to them?

Doctor: They were wiped out by a terrible enemy. The worst enemy imaginable. Of course you'll probably have no idea who it was.

Rose: Was it the Daleks?

Doctor: -Wait, what? How did you figure that out?

Rose: Oh please! Who else was it supposed to be?

_So our next adventure was in Victorian times._

Rose: Hey, a periodic episode! Well this is bound to have class!

* * *

Rose: I was wrong. It's as tacky as ever.

* * *

Gwyneth: I like you, ma'am. In fact, I want to be just like you, and have my own TV show where I'm practically the main character in a romantic-like relationship with a mysterious man who's lived for decades and knows all there is to know about aliens and futuristic technology.

Rose: And I'm sure it will happen to you. In another lifetime maybe.

_While this was happening the dead were walking again. Charles Dickens (Who happened to be there) was freaking out about these spirits that threatened to tear down his beliefs. The Doctor, his usual tactful self, was of no help at all._

Doctor: Well instead of assuring you that these were not ghosts so you can handle them better, instead I'll…yeah, nothing really to add there.

_After having a séance, we discovered that these so-called ghosts are actually a dying race of aliens, and that they need new bodies to survive._

Rose: Doctor, we can't let these bodies of dead people be used by an alien race, even if it is to save lives!

Doctor: Okay, I can see the flaws in your moral argument so clearly I'm not going to even bother debating the ethics with you of letting this dying alien race use dead human bodies.

_After sorting all that out, we later returned home, although a year later. Mum was naturally upset._

Rose: She'll never forgive me, you know. And why are we just standing here instead of going back in time to the day after I left with you so that this never happens?

Doctor: Oh, it's because the Tardis has already become part of the time-line so if we were to go back in time it would create a paradox and then dragon like creatures would appear out of nowhere and kill everyone.

Rose: -Really, Doctor? Dragon like creatures?

Doctor: Okay, okay, the writers like stating these rules about what I can and cannot do, mostly cannot, so that there is a limit to how much I can change things and therefore create drama, plus given that this is set a year in the future it means we can do world changing things and not upset the idea that this is set in the real world, even though people would probably forget this to the point that a certain spin-off show would have a date at the present when it's supposed to be in the future and in five years time there will be mentioning of the president having this plan and no one will have any idea what the episode's talking about, but-yeah, nothing really to add there.

Rose: So what kind of world changing things?

Doctor: For example, like making contact with aliens.

Rose: You mean like a UFO about to crash into Big Ben like that UFO over there?

Doctor: Exactly! WAIT, WHAT?

* * *

Mickey: I don't get it! How is it that everyone is pretending it was all a hoax despite everything that had happened?

Doctor: It's called Sunnydale Syndrome, Mickey. It means when a community encounter something unnatural they will either rationalise what they saw and what they can't rationalise they'll just forget.

Mickey: Oh come on! No one can just perform selective amnesia on themselves like that!

Doctor: I see do you know any instance in the real world where people encounter something they can't explain?

Mickey: Do you?

Doctor: Touche.

_Later that episode, I tried to assure Mum that I would be back right after I left._

Jackie: Well given how he dropped you back twelve months late, you can see I don't trust his timekeeping abilities!

_Afterwards, myself and the Doctor ended up in this underground bunker full of alien artifacts, where we were surrounded by security led by this woman._

Doctor: Hey, you look familiar. Wait a minute! You were Daniel Jackson's ex-girlfriend from 'Stargate Sg-1' who was possessed by a Go'uld!

Diana Goddard: Which one?

Doctor: The girlfriend, not the wife. Wow. Your American accent sounds just as fake as your British one! So, which are you? American or British?

Diana Goddard: I'm New Zealand.

Doctor: Ah, that explains it.

* * *

Van Statten: I want to show you my greatest collection. (Opens doors)

Doctor: GASP! No, it can't be!

Van Statten: Uhuh. I see you are impressed. Yes have reason to believe that this is a member of a pig-like alien race that first crashed on Earth several years back-

Doctor: Actually, I was gasping at that thing in the corner (Raises a shaking arm)

Van Statten: What, that? Oh, that's just some trashcan that fell out of time and space, really useful putting trash in we've found-

Doctor: THAT'S A DALEK, YOU IDIOT!

Van Statten: Erm, is that some kind of intergalactic Trashcan?

_And so, the Doctor started to explain about the Daleks._

Doctor: Actually there was a time when the Daleks started off as quite a peaceful race. Well, as peaceful as any other race. Then they were visited by this enigmatic entity who drove them into a homicidal rage with all his comments and comparisons with them with salt shakers, rubbish bins and Darth Vader.

Van Statten: -Why would that upset them?

Doctor: Trust me. If you were a TV character and you were kept being compared to a more popular TV character, implying that you ripped them off when in fact you came first, then you'd also go as mad as Jack Nicholson in 'The Shining'.

Diana Goddard: Are you trying to tell us that the Daleks are basically a race of axe wielding Jack Torrences?

Doctor: Yeah. They're Jack Torrence after Wendy for all her comments, then she disappeared. And without knowing where she is they redirected their homicidal rage and anger towards the rest of life.

_Later the Dalek rejuvenated, out of no fault of my own!_

Security Personnel: I think we can take down one robot.

Doctor: No! NO! Don't call it a –

Dalek: EX-TER-MI-NATE!

Soldiers: GAK!

Doctor: -Robot.

_Then the Dalek was chasing me._

Doctor: Don't worry! It can't follow you up the stairs!

(The Dalek flies up the staircase)

Doctor: Rats. I forgot they got over that obstacle in their last appearance.

Diana Goddard: You mean the television mov-

Doctor: NO! However, at least it was better than the spider leg ideas. That almost led to them being excluded altogether!

_Then the Dalek entered the room were the survivors were._

Dalek: HEEEEEEERE'S DA-LIE!

* * *

Dalek: VAN STA-TTEN. YOU POKED ME WITH ELEC-TRIC STICKS . BUT DO YOU KNOW THE WORSE THING YOU DID TO ME? YOU STUFFED PA-PER DOWN MY THROAT!

Van Statten: You don't understand! I-I-I THOUGHT YOU WERE A TRASHCAN!

Dalek: -THOSE WHO CALL DA-LEKS TRASH-CANS MUST DIE. EX-TER-MI-NATE! EX-TER-MI-NATE! EX-TER-MI-NATE!

_Later, the Dalek blew a hole in the roof so that it could see the sun, then opened itself._

Dalek: NOW, GO MY SON. LEAVE ME.

Rose: Eh?

Dalek: YOU-ALREADY HAVE, LUKE. YOU WERE RIGHT. YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT ME. TELL YOUR SIS-TER THAT-THAT YOU WERE RIGHT…. AAAAAAH!

BOOM

Rose: What happened?

Doctor: I don't think the Dalek could live with itself after comparing itself to Darth Vader.

* * *

Rose: Well, that's the end of the Daleks. It's a shame really. I mean they were your greatest nemesis and all.

Doctor: I know. But I'm sure that's the end of them, and that they won't keep coming back on an annual basis, each comeback more ludicrous than the previous like a comic book resurrection.

_And so we left, gaining a new companion as well. Next the Doctor took us to a station in the future where- uh oh. Lost my grip on the rope. AAAAAAAAAH!_

_Will Rose survive? Will she get the chance to finish her story? Find out next time on 'Doctor Who Abridged (With Commentary)'_

_Oh wait I forgot! This parody's not actually called 'With Commentary'!_

Commentator: Yes. Don't remind us.


	3. The Father's Child Dances

**I do not own 'Doctor Who' or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: Welcome back my Earth bound and companion wannabe friends to the next installment of 'Doctor Who Abridged'. Regrettably WITHOUT commentary. Before we begin let's take a look at some of the reviews you've sent us. Professor! Open the shoot!

_Hey what gives? I thought this was a commentator-free parody?_

Commentator: Well Anonymius decided that even though we're not part of the actual parody, we can still respond to reviews.

_Shouldn't you be fighting Dementors at the moment?_

Commentator: I've given them til the end of this chapter to give me back the manga. In the mean time let's take a look at some of the recent reviews sent:

Ha! This is pure gold, please make more parodies!

Commentator: Oh don't worry, Anonymius intends to, right up to the present. And beyond.

Professor: Our second review is from Izzy Lawliet:

this is super funny. you should make more of this

Sammy: Our third and final review is from Vilinye:

That parody is great. "I'm terrified of anything that comes back to life that isn't me!"

Commentator: Just wait until we get to Series Three when you see how terrified of those who come back from the dead that isn't him he can be. If we ever get to Series Three that is. Well that's everyone, and while we wait for the Dementors to give me back the Fullmetal Alchemist manga, let's read the next chapter:

* * *

_How did this happen to me? One minute I'm falling to my death from a blimp with a union jack across my t-shirt, the next I'm in a space ship piloted by a time travelling American?_

_After leaving the Dalek, the Doctor took us to a new time period._

Doctor: You'll like this period, Rose. It's at the peak of galactic civilization, and they'll be tons of aliens as well-

(People appear along with tacky looking stands)

Rose: You know, I should be disappointed, but I'm already familiar with how tacky and human centric this show is.

Doctor: No seriously, it's not supposed to look like this!

Rose: Suuure it isn't, Doctor.

* * *

Doctor: Right then, with the end of this station the world should return to its normal course instead of civilization collapsing as we know it.

_After leaving the future, the Doctor takes me to the time of my Dad's death, so that I could comfort him. When I failed to do so the first time, during the second, I stopped him from dying_.

Doctor: Rose! You should not have changed history!

Rose: -I shouldn't-YOU CHANGE HISTORY ALL THE TIME, YOU CHANGED IT DURING OUR LAST ADVENTURE!

Doctor: But when I do it, it's cuuuute!

Rose: -What does that even mean?

Doctor: It means get out of my house!

Rose: This is my house! Or at least my past self's.

Doctor: Fine, then stay here. (Walks out)

* * *

_Just when I thought everything was all right, dragon-like creatures came out of nowhere and started killing everyone._

Rose: Wait a minute! There really ARE dragon-like creatures that emerge when a paradox is created? I thought you were making it up?

Doctor: Clearly not.

Rose: But wait, you're seriously telling me that the universe cares if the same person from different time periods meet?

Doctor: Well the writers do, anyway. Also don't hold your baby self. That will just create another paradox.

Rose: No, a paradox is when you kill your own grandfather before your dad is born. Meeting yourself in the past, that's just meeting yourself in a past, how is that a paradox in anyway?

Doctor: What, you don't think meeting yourself is a paradox?

Rose: Not one that threatens to tear apart the fabric of reality, no! So let me get this straight. Should I see my adult self, that will cause a paradox?

Doctor: Yes.

Rose: But when it's a younger version of me, it will only create a paradox if I hold myself?

Doctor: Yes.

Rose: And if it's the same person but with a difference appearance and personality, then no dragon-like creatures appear?

Doctor: Pretty much.

Rose: -You know, could you really blame me for not taking you seriously? Cos I swear sometimes it sounds like you're just making this stuff up as you go along!

Doctor: Of course I'm making it up as I go along! Doesn't mean it isn't true!

_And so my dad, realising what has happened, decides to sacrifice himself in order to correct the time-line, despite the fact that it was me meeting my adult self that cause the rip in space and time, not him living._

Rose: Okay I'm confused. Do we remember what happened or not?

Doctor: I guess not.

_Huh. I guess if that's true, then how am I able to tell you what happened? And now that I think about it, who am I talking to? Ah, I must have bumped my head as I fell._

_Anyway, a week later, the Doctor was in one of his ranting moods._

Doctor: You know I don't understand why the TARDIS keeps bringing us back to Earth. I mean there are billions of planets, yet for the past year it's been nothing but, Earth, Earth, and more Earth. Not that there's anything wrong with Earth. Earth is useful. You can grow a lot of things in earth. It's just that I like a bit of variety.

_While we got separated, the Doctor ended up at this house, where he came face to face with a creepy child. Well, he would have been face to face if a door wasn't in the way._

(The Child pops his hand through the envelope)

Child: Ello, Mammie.

Doctor: -I'm sorry?

Child: Is that Mammie?

Doctor: Er, no, sorry, there is no Mummy here.

Child: Oh, okay. (Bangs repeatedly against the door)

* * *

_Afterwards he comes to an area where a bomb apparently landed, and comes face to face with another doctor._

Doctor: Wait, you're the doctor? I don't-

Constantine: Finish that sentence and die!

Doctor: Oh, okay.

* * *

(As Nancy hides, she can hear breathing)

Child: Constantine never told you what happened to your brother.

Nancy: He told me enough! He told me he died!

Child: No.

(Nancy turns around and faces the child)

Child: I am your brother.

Nancy: (Backs away) No, no. That's not true! That's impossible!

Child: Search your feelings, you know it to be true.

Nancy: (Crumples down) NOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO!

Child: Join me, and together, we shall rule the world as brother and sister.

* * *

_Later me and Captain Jack meet up with the Doctor, and as we learn more about the Child, he finds us._

Child: Nice to see you again, Mammies.

* * *

Doctor: Rose, don't let them touch you, or they'll assimilate you!

Gask Mask People: We are the Gas Mask People. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

Doctor: Yes, we get that you're mimicking the Borg, don't do the parallel in!

Gas Mask People: Sorry.

* * *

_Later, as Jack starts talking with the man in charge of the guards, the Doctor explains something about him._

Doctor: You see, Rose, in Jack's age the human race has spread across the galaxy, met all kinds of aliens, and learnt to be a bit more-er-flexible in their choice of dancing partners.

Rose: (Gasps) What? You mean Jack is willing to dance with anyone?

Doctor: Or anything.

Rose: Anything?

Doctor: And anyone.

Rose: So, let me get this straight. Because they accept dancing partners from other races, this somehow makes them search for partners in their own race or homeworld that they wouldn't have even considered asking to dance before?

Doctor: Yep.

Rose: -Well that makes no biological sense! Okay, forget the odd minority, but if all animals from the beginning of evolution were flexible in their choice of dancing partner, where would we be?

Doctor: Oh I don't know, the Bonobo Chimps seem to manage.

Rose: I mean doesn't that also contradict the notion that a minority are genetically conditioned to choose only a sort of partner which the basis of the argument that you can't judge who they choose as their dance partners?

Doctor: Then how do you explain all the prison dramas?

Rose: Okay, I admit that maybe in a few cases it does happen, but you know I find it odd how it's only greatly mentioned in American dramas as opposed to British and Australian and do we really have to keep using the dance metaphor?

Doctor: Yes.

Rose: -You are kidding me? What, we have death on this show, but we can't mention to the kiddies homo-

Doctor: DANCING!

Rose: Sigh, all right, dancing.

* * *

_Later we found the ship that had crashed, and the Doctor found out that it belonged to a race called the Chula._

Doctor: Ohh, so that explains all of the 'League of Gentlemen', 'Star Wars' and 'Star Trek' references!

Rose: How?

Doctor: Well the Chula were fond of Earth black comedies and sci-fi.

_Later the Gas Mask People gathered._

Rose: What are they doing? And why is the 'Imperial March' playing in the background?

Doctor: They're Stormtroopers. Waiting for Darth Vader. Or the Borg waiting for the Borg Queen, take your pick.

Jack: You know I never liked the addition of the Borg Queen to the Borg mythology. It seemed to completely undermine the whole idea that they had this hive mind and no need for a single leader.

Rose: Well, you know, a hive mind always needs a queen to order it.

Doctor: Actually that's a myth.

Rose: -Huh?

Doctor: Eusocial insects neither have a hive mind, nor does the queen actually control the hive. That's just a misconception, the queen is merely the reproductive unit of the hive, so there can actually be several queens in one hive, they actually don't need a single leader to function so in fact 'mother' would be more accurate than 'queen' and neither of you are paying attention to me, are you?

Jack: Not really.

Nancy: This is all my fault!

Doctor: (Looks at her) You're actually his mother, aren't you?

Nancy: -How did you know?

Doctor: Mothers tend to blame themselves for their sons' mishaps.

* * *

Doctor: Go, Nancy. You're our only hope. Oh no! Ive been infected! Quickly Nancy, you're our only hope, on no, it's getting worse!

_And so, thanks to Nancy, the nanites were able to repair the Child and everyone else._

Doctor: Woohoo! Woohoo! Oh yeah! No one died! No one died! Do you have any idea how rarely no one dies on this show for the entire episode or serial?

Rose: Not really?

Doctor: Not that often! It's time to take out the champagne!

Rose: But what about Jack?

Doctor: …Well, I guess we've got to go save him. I can't let his death tarnish my winning streak!

_And so, Jack Harkness joins the Doctor as his second companion. What more adventures await these three? Find out next time on 'Doctor Who Abridged (With Commentary)'!_

_Oh wait, the season one finale's already been done! I guess you don't need to tune in next time what happens!_

_And it's not actually called 'With Commentary'!_

Commentator: Stop reminding us!

_Kay._


	4. The Christmas Invasion of New Earth

**I do not own Doctor Who or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: Merry Christmas my Earth bound and companion wannabe friends and a happy New Year to the latest instalment of Doctor Who Abridged, which just happens to have the first Christmas special! Which is suitable given that it is Christmas at the moment! See people! Anonymius had it planned out all along!

Professor: Um, Sir, Christmas was like two weeks ago.

Commentator: It's still the twelfth day of Christmas! Which, interestingly enough used to be a very festive time!

Professor: (Sir, you're just trying to cover up the fact that Anonymius has been inactive for the past-)

Commentator: (Shh! Just go with it, Prof! And he hasn't been completely inactive! He updated 'Harry Potter and the Blood traitor' didn't he?)

Professor: (Yes. And that did so well)

Commentator: Ahem, so before we being let's take a look at some of the reviews you sent us. Professor! Open the shoot!

Professor: Why?

Commentator: Huh?

Professor: Sir, it's been almost a year since Anonymius had even update this fic, do you really think the people who reviewed it have still been reading this all this time waiting for him to send the next chapter?

Commentator: It could happen! I mean it was still doing well hits wise last month! And besides the last review was only sent only about six months ago!

Professor: Wow. That is pretty recent.

Commentator: Are you going to be like this all chapter?

Professor: Unlike you Sir I never got the chance to vent out my frustration that we've been inactive for most of the year.

Commentator: I never knew fanfiction meant that much to you Prof.

Professor: It doesn't. I just like to point out how Anonymius hasn't written in a long time. Besides you know how uncomfortable limbo is. It's nothing like the limbo in inception, it's quite tight spaced!

Commentator: Look, let's just get on with the chapter and make up for lost time, okay? Now open the shoot!

(The Professor does so.)

Commentator: Huh? Where are the reviews?

Professor: Apparently there aren't any. Wait hold on!

(Gets a broom)

Professor: I think it's been so long we've opened it, nothing's coming out.

(Puts broom up the shoot)

Professor: AAAH!

(Gets flooded with loads of envelopes)

Commentator: Wow, we got more reviews for the last chapter than I thought! Our first review is from Jcogginsa:

who's eric yamaru

Commentator: (Smiles) Ah. I'm glad someone asked about this. In a-wait a minute, I don't recall Yamara getting mentioned in 'Doctor Who Abridged'!

Professor: That's because he wasn't. It's been so long since the shoot's been opened that some of the reviews from the other fics got mixed up. Hold on (Checking through the envelopes) Right. Removed the Heroes envelopes. I'll just move put them aside for the time Anonymius writes the next chapter. Which will probably be never.

Commentator: Shut up! Ahem, okay, so who is the first review from?

Professor: It's from 'Queen of the lands, and it says 'Yup. Still funny :) I really do hope you get round to reviewing series 3 because, seriously, I need some of this brand of humour in my life :)'

Commentator: Oh don't worry we intend to do series 3. If Anonymius gets to it that is. What's another one?

Professor: This one is from Ace of Gallifrey:

Thou hast made my life complete with this awesomeness.

Commentator: Ah yes, the middle English we wrote the Daleks' speech in in the first chapter. It meant the chapter took longer to publish, as well as putting Heroes Abridged on a halt as well.

Professor: What's Anonymius' excuse this time?

Commentator: He got a job.

Professor: Oh.

Commentator: Ah, here's another one from Ace of Gallifrey:

Series Two with Rose's Extremely Annoying Attachment To The Smexy Doctor Parody tiem nao?

(No, I can't believe I just typed that either. Be ashamed of me.)

Oh no we could never be ashamed of our reviewers! Except the ones who are complete arseholes who go heavy on the criticism and saying we shouldn't be writing whatever they're reviewing.

Sammy: Our fourth review is from Countrygrl:

Pahahaha! This = gold.

Commentator: Why thank you, Countrygrl,. And here's another one from her where she says its get better.

Professor: And here's a third where she loves how we made fun of the dancing metaphor in 'The doctor dances' and how she found it odd how the Doctor made such a huge thing about nobody dying despite being World War Two.

Commentator: Well it's not like people surviving in a 'Doctor Who' story tends to happen. Let alone come back from the dead. Is there any episode where they come back from the dead?

Professor: None that I can think of, I've never watched the entire series. Though there was the tv movie.

Commentator: Episodes, Prof, not tv movies.

Sammy: Our next review is from Roma 810:

This was a great parody, I loved the way you kept on using star trek

Commentator: Wait, when did we use Star Trek?

Professor: You remember, Sir? When we compared the Gas Mask people to the Borg?

Commentator: Oh right. That. Ahem, Our next review is from thegirlin the dress13:

Pleeeeeeaaaaasssseeee add some more to this!

Your stories are hilarious! I'm currently reading the Harry Potter Abridged story again for the fourth time!

Commentator: Ah yes, the Harry Potter Abridged. The one that started it all.

Professor: Didn't Anonymius plan to actually do a parody of the last two films?

Commentator: He'll get there eventually!

Professor: Riiiiight. Anyway, our final review-

(Drummers do a drum roll)

Professor: -Yes, thank you for that. Ahem, our final review is from ksm:

Lots of fun! Thanks for posting.

Commentator: Why thank you Ksm. And without further ado, here's 'The Christmas Invasion of New Earth'.

* * *

_How did this happen to me? One minute I'm having the time of my life, travelling through time and space, going to other planets, (Occaisionally) meeting strange new alien civilizations (Well, rarely. Come to think of it looking back despite having a time machine that could take us anywhere we seem to spend most of our time around the same planet, and even when we were off world it was either in the vicinity of Earth or related to Earth. I mean he took all his other companions (Still mad he even had those!) to other alien worlds to have adventures, what does that say about me! Was I not special enough to him? I-_

Commentator: Um, Rose, I'd hate to interrupt your rant. I mean, I love a good rant now and again but I really think you're going off topic here.

_Huh? Oh right, Sorry! Ahem, the next I'm stranded in a parallel universe waiting at a shore!_

_After regenerating, I brought the Doctor back home. Upset that the man I knew was gone and that this new Doctor wouldn't want me and that he wouldn't measure up to the previous Doctor and the sudden change in character only after the first of the new series would put off viewers, London was invaded by aliens. Thankfully, though, we had Harriet Jones as the new Prime Minister, who seemed to be setting up this joke that she would just introduce herself to everyone she met for the first time even though they knew who she was_

Aide: The Americans demand to know what's happening.

Harriet Jones: Maybe you should remind the Americans that Britain is not the fifty first state (Yet) and that the special relationship does not mean one bullies the other.

Aide: Well done Miss Jones. An excellent decision.

Harrite Jones: Hey. I'm just giving a prime minister the people want.

Aide: And your commitment to the will of the people will surely lead you to have a long fruitful political career.

_Thankfully though the Doctor woke up, and not only saved London from the aliens, but also proved that he was just as good as the previous Doctor, perhaps even better._

(Somewhere in the U.S. a homeless guy is screaming 'DAMN YOU DAVID TENNANT!')

_Just when the aliens were leaving, however, Harriet ordered the ship destroyed._

Harriet Jones: We had to send a message.

Doctor: And who was supposed to hear this message? In space, no one can hear you scream!

Harriet Jones: -Oh! That's right! Um….whoops?

Doctor: Whoops? WHOOPS? You murder an entire ship of sentient beings and all you can say is whoops?

Harriet Jones: Well what else do you want me to say?

Doctor: I don't know! Do you have any idea what you've done? At least my message would have reached someone! Because you destroyed them in the vaccum of space people will probably just assume they ran into an asteroid field and people will still come invading Earth on an annual basis!

Harriet Jones: Okay, I probably did not think this murdering for the greater good through.

Doctor: Jeez, ya think?

Harriet Jones: Look, so I committed a little mass murder, you're not going to judge my whole Prime Ministry on one tiny mistake, are you?

Doctor: Yes. Yes I am. And now, I'm going to end your Prime Ministry- using nothing but six words.

Harriet Jones: No, no! Anything but that! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

_And so, because the Doctor asked an aide if the prime minister looked tired, this somehow leads to parliament thinking she is no longer fit to run the country, cutting Britain's golden age short._

Rose: Well, that's another golden age for humanity you've screwed up, Doctor. How many has that been now? Five?

Doctor: Hey shut up! So I got rid of the best Prime Minister Britain was ever gonna have? So I stopped her from restoring faith in politicians? So I stopped her from improving the NHS and health care and poverty and unemployment and bringing up the standard of living in the world? So I stopped her from turn Britain into a global economic and military power? So I prevented her from saving Britain from the worst recession the world would see since the Great Depression? So I stopped her from saving the planet from a race of metaphorically paedophilic aliens using nothing more than a fire extinguisher and a monkey wrench? I got back at someone I didn't like and that's what counts!

Rose: But are you sure that getting rid of Harriet Jones was the best decision? I mean, what if her replacement is a psychopath or a machiavellan obsessed with keeping secrets at all cost?

Doctor: Pfft, like that's gonna happen!

Rose: Well at least we know now that if we're not happy with a way the government is going all we need to do is find the prime minister's aide, whisper something negative to them and get the prime minister all paranoid!

_And so, after Christmas dinner, we all watched the ash from the destroyed alien ship float down on us._

Doctor: This is the beginning of a new age. No one can deny aliens now. Everyone's seen it.

(Everybody looks at him)

Doctor: Yep. No more scepticism for the human race any more.

(Everybody looks even harder at him)

Doctor: I mean it! There will be no more 'there's no such thing as aliens' ever again!

(Everyone still stare at him)

Doctor: (Sigh) You people are the sculliest race I've ever met!

_After Christmas, the Doctor took me to a new adventure._

Doctor: You know Rose, I don't think I've been fair to you. I mean, there's a whole universe out there, yet all last year I just took you to Earth, Earth, and more Earth. Not that there's anything wrong with Earth. Earth is useful. You can grow a lot of things in Earth.

Rose: That's not true, Doctor. Not all of our adventures were on Earth.

Doctor: No, but they were in the vicinity of Earth.

Rose: What about the raco-the racocino- the Slitheen planet?

Doctor: Well that was off screen. So I think it's time I took you somewhere other than Earth. On-screen that is.

Rose: Oh finally! So where are we going?

Doctor Who: New Earth.

Rose: -New Earth?

Doctor: What do you think?

Rose: So, you're just going to take me to a different Earth?

Doctor: Um, yes.

Rose: So, it will just be like going to Earth, except it's somewhere else?

Doctor: Now that's a bit unfair, Rose. It is a different planet!

Rose: But with an Earth-like society.

Doctor: Well, pretty much, yes.

Rose: Doctor, would it kill you for once to take me somewhere that isn't Earth related? Onscreen that is?

Doctor: Whoa whoa whoa we've only known each other for a year! Don't you think it's a little too soon?

Rose: Oh fine. Just as long as you promised to take me on an adventure that isn't Earth or human related.

* * *

Doctor: Well here we are. New New York

Rose: New New York? Are we going to run into Bender and Fry and Leela and have adventures in outer space delivering packages to deadly alien races?

Doctor: Yes, yes, get it out of your system.

_While the Doctor is summoned upstairs in the hospital, I get escorted to the basement, where I meet someone I didn't expect to see again_

Rose: Cassandra? Didn't you die in the second episode of the new series?

Cassandra: It's true that my face tore apart, but thankfully because my body couldn't house my brain I was able to survive.

Rose: -Huh. Really? Well I'm impressed!

Cassandra: What is the technology of my ressurection that impressive?

Rose: Oh no It's just that as far as retconned deaths go yours is pretty plausible in comparison to most! Magical bullet that sends your consciousness into the past. Huh!

Cassandra: And now I'm going to possess your body in order to fulfil my lifelong dream of being a teenage girl. In Britain!

Rose: I'm twenty now.

Cassandra: Oh. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers!

_While possessed by Cassandra, I meet up with the Doctor again, and investigate the hospital, discovering a terrible secret. However, the Doctor also confront the cat nurses about something else._

Doctor: What have you done to Rose?

Rose: What are you talking about, I'm fine!

Doctor: Lady, there are so many reasons why you're not your normal self, it's not even funny!

Rose: Oh sod! You know if you were one of the Charmed Ones I could have fooled you indefinitely!

Doctor: Unluckily for you I'm smarter than the average Charmed One. Plus I have better writers. I mean who are you?

_Fortunately though, after escaping zombies, they are reverted back to normal before they attack the evolutionary offshoot of humans, who look exactly like modern humans come to think of it. No lack of hair or larger heads or anything!_

Doctor: Isn't it brilliant, Rose/Cassandra? A whole new race! Think of the possibilities!

Cassandra/Rose: But, wouldn't the introduction of a new sapient race without any homes cause huge social issues and a big ethical controversy? Like what probably happened in the aftermath of 'The Island'?

Doctor: Details, details! Now kindly get the f**k out of Rose!

Cassandra/Rose: But I don't want to die!

Doctor: Tough, you've had your time.

Cassandra/Rose: Well I'm not going so what are you going to do about it?

Doctor: Stand here and stare at you until you give in.

Cassandra/Rose: Oh yeah. That sounds really effective!

_Cassandra however escaped in Chip's body, but due to all the excitement he starts to die, but not before we bring him-her- whatever, back to the past to meet his/her- whatever! Past self._

Rose: Well that ending was pretty much of a bummer! I hope we don't make a habit of it.

Doctor: Yes. A series that gets into the habit of bumming the audience out every episode is sure to suffer ratings wise.

Rose: Do you think we'll see Cassandra again?

Doctor: Oh we're bound to! If she came back from the dead before, I'm sure she can do it before!

Commentator: Um, actually-

Doctor: SHH!

_After that we-_

Clock: TING!

Commentator: Sorry Rose, you're out of time. You'll have to finish your story in a fortnight.

Rose: A FORTNIGHT?

Commentator: give or take.

Rose: Oh fine!

_What further adventures await Rose and the Tenth Doctor? Will Rose get to finish her story next time? Will we ever have a storyline that moves beyond the human centric feeling of the New 'Doctor Who'? Find out next time on Doctor Who Abridged!_

* * *

Rose: What about the Raco-the Racocino- the Slitheen planet?

Doctor: No Rose, it's not called the Slitheen planet. It's called Raxacoricofallaptorius. That's like calling Earth the Obama planet or the Cameron planet.

Rose: Well how is anyone supposed to remember what it's called? And I feel like that is deliberate on the hand of the writers!

Doctor: Hmm. You may have a point. Let me try something experimental to help you remember. (Puts on a striped hat and grabs a cane) Iiiiiiiiit's called Planet Raxacoricofallapatorius, even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious, but if you say it repeatedly it will be ingrained in your subconscious, (Dances) and that is Raxacoricofallapatorius!

(Curtains rise, revealing a band of Raxacoricofallapatorians, dancing like robots rapidly)

Raxacoricofallapatorians: Um didililye um diye um didililye um diye um didililye um diye um didililye um diye!

Doctor: I've travelled round the universe and everywhere I went, you hear such convoluted words that make you want to vent, but never have I heard a name that sounds really precocious, and that is Raxacoricafallapatorious!

(The Raxacoricofallapatorians now play Edwardian instruments)

Raxacoricofallapatorians: Um didililye um diye um didililye um diye um didililye um diye um didililye um diye!

Doctor: About nine hundred years ago when I was just a lad, I was told about a great planet by my dear old Dad, a paradise where every kind of plant you can name grows, with the biggest name you've ever heard and this is how it goes, the planet's name's Raxacoricofallapatorius, even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious, but if you say it repeatedly it will be ingrained in your subconscious, (Dances) and that is Raxacoricofallapatorius!

Raxacoricofallapatorians: Um didililye um diye um didililye um diye um didililye um diye um didililye um diye!

Doctor: You know if you say it backwards you get Riousropalafalcaricoaxar. (Notices Rose's shocked look) But that would be going too far (Rose's face is still frozen). So if you happen to travel there for a spot of lunch, you'd find the locals on the whole are quite a pleasant bunch, but never call them the Slitheen, cos it could cost your life.

Raxacoricofallapatorian: For example?

Doctor: -Yes?

Raxacoricofallapatorian: Well, one night a drunken guy called everyone Slitheens, and his back ended up with a knife.

(Feeling of shock is felt in the atmosphere)

Raxacoricofallapatorian: He'll think twice about assuming all Raxacoricofallapatorians are criminals.

(Shocked feeling is still hanging in the air)

Raxacoricofallapatorians: Itttttttt's called planet Raxacoricofallapatorius, the planet Raxacoricofallapatorius,

Doctor: The planet Raxacoricofallapatorius,

Raxacoricofallapatorians: THE PLANET RAXACORICOFALLAPATORIUUUUUS!

(Continue to play before the curtains fall)

Doctor: So Rose, do you think you can remember the name now?

Rose: Well sure !Um, um Raxa-raxa-er, ?

Doctor: Ah damnit!

(Smashes cane on nearby wall)

Doctor: And now I broke my favourite cane.


	5. Tooth and Claw Reunion

**I do not own 'Doctor Who' or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: Welcome back my human and companion wannabe friends to the latest instalment of 'Doctor Abridged'! Before we begin let's take a look at some of the reviews you sent us. Professor! Open the shoot!

(The Professor does so, who gets bombarded by about a dozen envelopes)

Professor: WAH!

Commentator: Wow we've certainly got a lot of reviews this chapter!

Professor: Understandably, Sir, given that it's been over a year since Anonymius last updated this fic.

Commentator: Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh! Well anyhoo, let's read a couple. And by a couple I mean all!

Professor: (Oh no)

Commentator: This one is from Dvanbenn:

Great story so far. One little error I noticed, the Delek Emperor showed up in a season 4, of the original run, epsoide "Evil of the Delek, so not a one-shot.

DVB

Ah yes, but was it the original Delek Emperor? I think not.

Professor: Our second review comes from Skystarsun1:

this is a really good story so far but it needs a bit more action into it :P

Commentator: GASSSSSSSP!

Professor: Well he or she might have a point, Sir. I mean there is a lot of talking in the first chapter.

(The Commentator stares at the Professor, before raising his finger, making a ball of electricity appear and expand)

Commentator: So you mean we should add action like a ball of electricity blasting someone away like I'm about to do to you right now?

Professor: Ahem, of course a lot of our jokes do appear in that dialogue!

(The ball of electricity disappears)

Commentator: Glad to hear it.

Sammy: Our third review comes from ShortyBlackwell

2 words, HA-HA!

Commentator: Our fourth review comes from Guest:

This is the funniest thing ive ever read like EVER!:D

Why thank you, Guest.

Professor: Our fifth review also comes from guest:

Holy poop nuggets I can't stop reading these hilarious stories!please make more!:D

Commentator: Ahehehehehheheh. (Groan).

Sammy: Our sixth review also comes from Guest:

Lol DAMN U DAVID TENNENT! Davids like my favorite doctor,Matt smith is kinda cool I guess, but David is like the tv equivalent of smothering something in chocolate. Anyway this is really funny!:D

Commentator: You know that whole 'Damn you David Tennant' thing proved to be something of a running joke, didn't it Prof?

Professor: It did indeed, Sir. And I have a feeling we haven't seen the last of it either.

EPIC SPOILERS! Well maybe not epic, but you get what I mean!

Commentator: Ahem. Anyhoo, our seventh review comes from Gasoline Diamond:

XD

XD?

Professor: I believe that is text speech for a smile, Sir. So her next review, with 'XDXD' must mean a really big smile.

Oh my gosh, this chapter was great! :D The whole Mary Poppins song was hilarious! This parody is awesome, please please write more, I need more laughter :)

Commentator: Yes an interesting thing about that whole thing! At the end of the song, when the Doctor asks rose if she now can remember the name of the Slitheen planet, she's supposed to end up saying 'Racicoxarfragalisticespialadocious', THEN the Doctor breaks his favourite cane in frustration, but the word wouldn't save. Anyhoo, our tenth review is from another guest:

...This. I can't even begin to say how amazing this is. It had me laughing way too loud. Please update soon! Have a fantastic day, and DFTBA!

DFTBA?

Professor: Don't Forget To Be Awesome, Sir.

Commentator: Why thank you, Prof.

Professor: No, that's what DFTBA stands for. And I think that is addressed to Anonymius.

Commentator: Oh. Right. How exactly do you know what all these stand for, Prof? I mean you don't strike me as the type of person fluent in text speak!

Professor: -Well- you me, Sir. I wouldn't be the Professor if I didn't know everything of-

Commentator: You just looked it up both times didn't you?

Professor: That I did, Sir.

Commentator: Figures. How about you respond to the final review then, Prof?

Professor: Very well then, Sir. Our final review comes from Shakes8:

LOL

Commentator: Now at least I know what that stands for! Well now that we've finally got through all of those reviews-

Professor: (Emphasis on the word 'Finally'.)

(The Commentator stares at him, before raising his palm, causing a blast of electricity to send the Professor flying away. Him crashing into objects and a cat screeching can be heard).

Commentator: Anyhoo, now that we've finally got through all of those reviews, let's go to the next chapter, 'Tooth and Claw Reunion'!

* * *

_How did this happen to me? One minute I'm in the middle of telling my tale as to how I ended up on this shore, the next I'm stopped for over a year! A fortnight give or take my cute tight arse!_

_Now where was I, oh yes! After leaving New Earth the Doctor intended to take me to someone named Ian Dury for some reason, only to somehow end up a hundred years too early instead (This Doctor clearly has as good timekeeping skills as the last!)! And out of all the people we meet, we happen to see Queen Victoria, the eponymous person of this era!_

Doctor: Ah, greetings your majesty, my name is Dr James McKinnon and this is my assistant Rose. And here is some identification that I couldn't have possibly taken from someone else!

Victoria: Oh look, one of those passports people rarely have that don't even show a picture and could easily have been taken by someone else! I'll accept who you claim to be and invite you to a house I'm going to.

Doctor: We'll be delighted, Ma'am!

Rose: Does Queen Victoria usually invite random strangers she meets on the road to places she's going to?

Doctor: All the time, you should have been there last time this happened! I'll tell you all about it later.

Rose: Uhuh. By the way Doc, nice fake accent! For a moment there I was almost convinced that you were really Scottish!

Doctor: Um, yes. Fake.

_Later after saving the queen from a late comer to the bad wolf theme from last year (ironically in the episode that established this year's word of the year), Queen Victoria decided to thank us in her own special way!_

Victoria: I knight both of thee Sir Doctor of the Tardis and Lady Rose of Powell Estates for your heroic efforts. Now kindly get the f**K out of my empire.

Doctor: -You certainly have a funny way of thanking people.

Victoria: Thank you, it has been often said.

_After that the Doctor and I along with Mickey started to investigate this school where mysterious things were happening._

The Demon Head: Ah yes an orphan. Someone that no one will miss. Well apart from the caretakers at the orphanage there is!

_Then we met-Her…._

Sarah: Doctor?

Doctor: Er, hi Sarah Jane, how have you been?

Rose: Doctor, who is this?

Sarah: Ah, so this is your new assistant, Doctor?

Rose: New Assistant? Doctor, what's she talking about?

Doctor: Oh this is Sarah Jane Smith, my previous companion before you.

Rose: Previous? What do you mean by previous?

Mickey: Uh oh. AWKWAAAAAAARD!

Doctor: Why is it awkward?

Sarah: Companion? Is that what you call your assistants nowadays, Doctor?

Rose: Wait, you mean –YOU HAD ADVENTURES WITH SOMEONE ELSE BEFORE ME?

Doctor: Well, yes.

Rose: How come you never mentioned here before?

Doctor: -I didn't see the need.

Sarah: DIDN'T SEE THE NEED? What, I wasn't that important to mention, was I?

Doctor: What? No, it wasn't like that! (looks at both of them) Look, you're making this more complicated than it is, do you really expect to go into detail about EVERY companion I've had-

Rose: GASP! You mean there have been-others?

Doctor: Well-Yeah.

Rose: (Crosses arms) How many, Doctor.

Doctor: Well there have been so many I've lost count.

Rose: Gasp! (Looks as if she's ready to slap the Doctor)

Doctor: Sometimes I've had more than one companion at the same time.

Mickey: Doctor, you dorg!

Doctor: And not all of them were female!

Mickey: Oh! Well, if that's what you're into-

Doctor: Some weren't even human.

Rose: Well, I'd be wrong to criticise inter species relationships-

Doctor: My first companion was my grand-daughter.

(Rose and Mickey stare at him. They vomit.)

Doctor: What?

Sarah: Oh, and by the way-

SLAP!

Sarah: -THAT was for making me think you were dead for the past thirty years!

Doctor: You thought I was dead?

Sarah: Apparently.

Rose: GASP! Doctor you-you faked your own death just to get away from her?

Doctor: Rose, it's not what you think! I didn't fake my death! I just never bothered coming back for her when I couldn't take her to my home planet! That actually sounds worse, doesn't it?

Rose: Pretty much.

_Later that day, the Doctor came to face me and unjustly berated me for my understandable reaction._

Doctor: Look Rose, will you just tell me what the problem is?

Rose: The problem? The problem is that I used to think I was your first, you know? The first person you shared adventures with! And it made me feel special. But now it turns out I'm just the latest in a long line of girls you've had over the years!

Doctor: They weren't all girls!

Rose: Yes. Don't remind me.

Mickey: (Laughing) Rose, you didn't actually think that you were the only companion he'd ever had in his entire life, did you?

Rose: Well…..I always reckoned he was saving himself for the right person.

Mickey: Yeah. At 900 years old? I find it unlikely!

Rose: I'm just worried that one day you're just going to dump me like all the others!

Doctor: I didn't dump all of them Rose, and not without good reason. Most of them chose to leave. Well those who didn't die.

Rose: What?

Doctor: But they were a small minority! I mean the average life expectancy of a companion is about 2 years, which is half as long of the average life expectancy of each of my incarnations!

Rose: Well it looks like you're gonna have to kill me or abandon me then because I'm not going anywhere!

_Later, in order to identify the chip oil that was being used, Sarah-Jane introduced us to another old friend of the Doctor's._

Doctor: K-9!

Mickey: K-9?

Doctor: He's another companion I had!

Mickey: Wait, You mean, a metal-a metal dog was one of your-your-your-?(Vomits)

Doctor: What is the matter with all of you?

_With K-9's help, we were able to identify who the monsters or the week were._

Doctor: The Krillitane, of course! You know, they originally had long necks last time I saw them!

Rose: Oh, are these then aliens the audience have met before then?

Doctor: Nope.

Rose: Huh. Is it just me, or do we rarely see aliens you've encountered before?

Doctor: oh yeah they are a rare occurrence. Well it is a big universe, after all!

_Later the doctor came face to face with the Demon Head._

Doctor: I'm not scared of you or your vam-

Demon Head: No! No! No Buffy references!

Doctor: How come?

Demon Head: Because I let you make one reference then you'll go non-stop. I don't want to be defined solely by my appearance in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I mean in a parody of Milton Fine about fifty percent of the jokes pertaining him were Buffy related. The other fifty roughly name puns. So yeah, I'll just stick with being called the Demon Head.

* * *

Sarah Jane: Just so you know, Rose, I don't feel threatened by you at all.

Rose: Same here.

Sarah Jane: Oh sure maybe you're new and younger and more 'hip', But the Doctor and I had a relationship that cannot be compared.

Rose: Hey, I may not have been with the Doctor as long as you, but we've had our fair share of adventures, heck they were probably better than yours.

Sarah Jane: Keep telling yourself that, honey.

Rose: When we're together, it's exciting!

Sarah Jane: Oh really? Does he take you to exotic places? Meet alien civilizations? Ever made you feel like you were in the middle of an opera? A space opera that is?

Rose: Well, Actually, we spend most of our time around Earth.

Sarah Jane: Wow. That does sound exciting.

Rose: Hey they may have been earth based, but we were still more action packed than yours ever were! With better effects, better make up and alot less aliens who just happened to look human!

Sarah Jane: Oh yeah? Well mine were more epic that yours probably ever were! Plus we had more class and didn't look like a campy, tacky low brow slash kiddies show that looked like it wouldn't survive its first friggin season!

Rose: TAKE THAT BACK!

Sarah Jane: MAKE ME, BITCH!

Rose: (Raises fingers) HISSSSS!

Sarah Jane: MEOW!

Tardis: OH WILL YOU TWO GIVE IT A REST?

(Rose and Sarah Jane stare at the Tardis)

Rose: You can talk?

Tardis: Of course I can talk! This is a parody. It's perfectly natural for inanimate objects to talk in a parody! You two fighting over who had a more meaningful relationship with the Doctor is pointless! Especially since you two were around in different time periods. I mean it's not your fault Rose that you just happened to join the Doctor in a time where Ronald D. Moore effectively killed the space opera genre, with a little help from Joss Whedon mind you.

(Rose and Sarah Jane look at each other apologetically)

Tardis: After all, You two are nothing compared to what Me and the Doctor have.

Rose and Sarah Jane: -WHAT?

Tardis: Oh please, like I'm supposed to get jealous over a couple of floozies the Doctor picked up along the way. I however have been with him from the beginning.

Rose and Sarah Jane: -FLOOZIES?

Tardis: You two are just part of a long string of companions he's had over the years. I however am his one true love.

(Rose and Sarah Jane stare at the Tardis)

Sarah Jane: That's true I guess.

Rose: Yeah he does have a tendency to stroke the Tardis whenever he thinks no one's watching.

(Rose and Sarah Jane burst out laughing)

Doctor: Are you two laughing at the comparison between our relationships with that of romance?

Rose: Um, yeah. Something like that.

_Later we stumbled upon the Demon Head's insidious plan for universal domination._

Doctor: It looks like he's using children in order to crack the code that will enable the Krillitanes to rewrite the universe, because apparently children have better brains than adults.

Rose: After watching South Park, it's not that unfeasible.

Mickey: OH I GET IT NOW!

(Everyone stares at Mickey)

Mickey: He's called the Demon Head because he's reminiscent of the Demon Head Master who also used children in his plan for world domination, and because his last name is Anthony Head!

Doctor: Yes, thank you for that Mickey. Explaining jokes is always a plus in parodies.

Rose: Says the person who explained why I was a deus ex machina way back in the first chapter.

Doctor: Yes, and remember where that led us.

Rose: the killing of the joke?

Doctor: Precisely.

Demon Head: GAK!

(Everyone stares)

Doctor: Oh. Right. Guess I won't need to be tempted into joining the Krillitane then.

_After that K9 sacrifices himself in order to take out the Krillitane by blowing up the school. Afterwards, the Doctor makes Mickey a surprising (Well, maybe not that surprising) proposal._

Doctor: So, Mickey, fancy becoming my companion? After how you helped save the day today, you might prove useful later on!

Mickey: Um, look Doc, I like you, as friend, but I don't think of you that way, I don't swing that way-

Doctor: Oh for crying out loud, Mickey, there's nothing sexual about my relationships with my companions, heck the whole reason my first companion my granddaughter was to avoid any assumptions of an inappropriate relationship!

Mickey: Oh. Really? Okay sure, I'd love to come along even though I hate your guts and am jealous of the relationship you have with Rose!

* * *

Sarah Jane: K9? I thought you were dead!

K9: I was. Then the Doctor downloaded a back up copy of my programming into a new body.

Sarah Jane: -Oh. So you're not actually the K9 we've known for years, then? You're just a different robot with his personality and memories then?

K9: Negative, Ma'am. The fact that look like K9, act like K9 and have his memories means I am essentially the same K9 even though the original died and went to Silicon-Doggie heaven.

Sarah Jane: -What kind of logic is that?

K9: Dollhouse logic, Ma'am. The best kind of logic, which could possibly be a form of Whedonesque logic.

Sarah Jane: -Oh. Is that everyone treated vampires as if they were the human returned from the grave even though they were actually demonic parasites in human corpses?

K9: Affirmative.

Sarah Jane: Huh. You know I did wonder about that. Well anyway, come along K9.

(She and K9 walk off)

Sarah Jane: We're gonna have our own TV show, with black jacks, and hookers. In fact, forget the tv show!

_Later, after the-_

Clock: TING!

_What the-? Oh not this again!_

Commentator: Look, I'm sorry Rosie, But we do set a limit on each of these chapters. You're bound to finish your story in a fortnight, give or take.

_That's what you said last time! And it took us over a year to finally post this chapter!_

Commentator: Hey, you should consider yourself lucky! A certain animate suit of armour is still waiting to be told who the mastermind behind all the filler on his show is!

_Will Rose ever be able to finish her tale? Will the next chapter actually be posted in a fortnight (give or take)? Will Alphonse ever learn from Greed who is behind AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAH! AH. Ahem. Find out next time, probably, on Doctor Who Abridged!_

* * *

**P.S. I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or anything related either!**


	6. Rise of the Cybermen

**I do not own Doctor Who or anything related.**

* * *

Commentator: Welcome back my Earthbound and companion wannabe friends to the latest installment of 'Doctor Who Abridged'! Before we begin let's take a look at the reviews you've sent us. PROFESSOR! OPEN THE SHOOT!

(The Professor does so, and out pops four envelopes)

Commentator: Right then. Our first review is from Amaranthin Dae:

Haha, this is awesome! I love this, it's so funny XD And try to update before next April, haha :)

Oh don't worry! We intended to!

Professor: Our second review comes from Lo613:

Yet another brilliant chapter! Once again, laughing too hard at every pun and joke you make! Quick question- Will this story end with Rose or will you keep going throughout all the companions? Anywho, have an amazing fortnight (give or take), and DFTBA!

Oh no our intention is to do all of 'Doctor Who' right up to the present.

Sammy: Our third review is from the Vampire House:

This is good ahaha !

Commentator: And our fourth and final review is from Charlotte Marie. No wait, sorry, Charlotte Marie Glinda Phillips Heinbach Aplin:

DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW LONG A FORTNIGHT IS?!(2 weeks)  
The 5 th chapter is the funniest so far...

Yes we know how long a fortnight is, we're sorry this took longer, but we did say give or take! And without further ado, here's 'Rise of the Cybermen'!

* * *

_Later, after what was perhaps the most disappointing Steven Moffat episode ever (Before he became show runner that is), Mickey was in one of his ranting moods._

Mickey: Blah blah blah I'm under appreciated blah blah blah Rose shouldn't trust the Doctor blah blah blah I'm just the spare wheel blah blah blah blah-

Doctor: Gah, will you shut up, JUST SHUT UP? You know, I thought it'd be fun to bring you along. I thought 'hey, Mickey's a great character! He'd make a great extra companion in our mix,' and yet despite all my attempts to make you feel like a part of the team, all you've done since getting on board is bitching! Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch BITCH!

Mickey: Well I am the metal dog.

Doctor: -That's it. One more unnecessary complaint from you ONE MORE and I will leave you at the next place we stop at. Which is just what I did with all the other companions who annoyed me! I mean those who chose to leave! Yeah.

_Just then we seem to suffer some turbulence before landing._

Rose: Um, Doc, this seems weird.

Doctor: What do, zeppelins in London?

Rose: What? No, I haven't even checked outside yet! I meant what's on this screen!

Doctor: -What do you mean?

Rose: I mean it's showing a preview to the next 'Lost' episode, yet it looks…different. There are loads of characters that weren't there before, nothing about the button, less of the main cast, and Anna Lucia and Libby are still alive and well! Also Michael seems to be less of a jerk.

Doctor: Which one was Michael?

Rose: You know? The black guy? The one with the kid?

Doctor: Oh! Him! Yeah. I never liked him much. He always got angry way too easily, even more than Jack!

Mickey: Hey! I resent any character being referred to simply as "the black guy"! What does anyone referred to any character as "the white guy" or "the female guy"?

Doctor: No because there are usually plenty of female guys and the cast are generally dominantly white.

Mickey: Which is exactly my point! I mean there's only one main black guy usually on US TV shows nowadays, and he's usually either a dick, a grunt, is poverty stricken, has some sort of criminal record, or a mixture of the above! What happened to the good old days, when you had at least two main black guys and you didn't marginalize the nice guy to the point that you write him out of the series! Come to think of it, they tend to write the black guy out of the series anyway by season two!

Doctor: I think you're exaggerating a little-

Mickey: Hello? Does the name Pete Ross ring a bell? Or James Doakes? Or DL Hawkins? Or Aiden Ford?

Doctor: Who?

Mickey: THAT'S EXACTLY MY POINT!

Rose: -Pete Ross wasn't written out of the series after season 2!

Mickey: He might as well have been.

BA DUM CH!

Mickey: And now it looks like Michael will be leaving at the end of series 2! I mean if you had no contact with blacks, you'd probably think that we all get easily aggressive for little reason! I mean I'm black, and I wouldn't beat the crap out of a Korean guy just because I didn't like what he said in his own language that I don't know!

Doctor: (No you just get easily irritated out of jealously over me and Rose and feeling left out)

Mickey: What was that?

Doctor: Nothing!

Rose: Um, so getting back to the matter at hand, what do you suppose this means, Doctor?

Doctor: Well it could either mean two things. Either one we stepped on a bug somewhere and changed history drastically or-

Mickey: Hey if you think that's weird, check this out! I'm getting feed from a broadcast showing David Zucker getting congratulated for his stunning work on- 'SCARY MOVIE 4'?

Doctor: Yep. That proves it. We're in a parallel universe.

Rose: A what?

Doctor: A parallel universe. A world like ours, where up is down, left is right, where crappy films are masterpieces and where long running cult series continue to develop the rest of their community of survivors instead of getting so wrapped up in the main plot that they end up marginalizing the other survivors or killing them off prematurely. Kinda like what they did to any 'X-Men' character in the movies that wasn't played by Hugh Jackman. Speaking of 'X-Men', who's directing the next movie in this universe?

Mickey: It's Bryan Singer. The same guy who directed the last two.

Doctor: You know maybe we should stay here for a while? You know, just to see the premiere of the third film that is what every fan would have wanted it to be.

Rose: Why is the third 'X-Men' film that bad?

Doctor: Ehh, it's alright.

* * *

Rose: So, you've been to parallel worlds a lot then, Doc?

Doctor: Oh yeah. Ah, the numerous stories I had in alternate realities. Where World War Two was still being fought, or where the Roman Empire had conquered the entire galaxy. There was even one that was empty due to the destruction of Logopolis in 1981. I think I a couple of my companions even stayed in one parallel universe. Course Russell T Davies then reimagined the series and not only did he decide to make me the last living member of my race but also that travelling to other universes was impossible.

* * *

Rose: My Dad is alive in this world! I have to go see him!

Mickey: My Gran is alive in this world! I have to go see her!

Doctor: Um, I really hate to burst your bubbles, I really do, but THEY AREN'T YOUR LOVED ONES. Think of them as twins of your loved ones who just happen to grow up in similar circumstances.

Rose: But Doc, the fact that these people look like our loved ones and have the same basic memories and personalities as the people we knew makes them the same people we knew and love, right?

Doctor: NO IT DOESN'T! Where did you get an idea like that?

Rose: 'Dollhouse'.

Doctor: -WHAT?

Rose: Well okay not the whole body thing, but, the idea that a person's consciousness is nothing more than memories and personality that can be downloaded into someone else is a concept that is clearly-

Doctor: And where is that disappointment of a show now? Completely non-existent, so how do you even know about it?

Rose: Oh, I found it on one of your screens. Did you know that one of them is essentially a time-transcendent telly?

_Despite the Doctor's objections however we managed to sneak into my alternate mother's birthday party._

Doctor: Hang on a minute! Your mother's forty? I could have sworn that she was forty-one! Wait, does that mean that she was twenty when those dragon-like creatures attacked last year? Man she must have been the oldest looking twenty year old I've ever seen! Jeez and they thought Andrew Garfield was pushing it as a teenager! Course he's not too bad, provided you don't watch the movie in HD- so wait does that make your dad a thirty-three year old-looking twenty year old or a fifty-three year old who's aged well apart from losing his hair?

Rose: Well according to the Tardis Data Core, it's the latter.

Doctor: Rose, you know full well I don't trust what wikis say. Especially not after what I think was misdirection concerning Kakashi's age at the time of his gaiden.

Rose: Doc, for the last time, I don't follow Japanese comic books or cartoons, I have no idea what you're on about!

Doctor: And I have told you that the correct terms are manga and anime respectively-

Alt-Jackie: Rose! Rose, where are you?

Rose: -Hey, there's an alternate Rose in this universe as well! I wonder what she's like? Maybe she's all posh and proper and-

Alt-Rose: Ruff Ruff!

Alt-Jackie: There you are my baby!

(Rose and the Doctor look on, their jaws dropped).

Doctor: Hehehehehhehehee.

Rose: It's not funny, Doctor!

Doctor: Oh I'm Sorry Rose! I just find it amusing that in this universe, you're a real bitch. MAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!

Rose: Oh fine. Get it out of your system.

* * *

Rose: Anything else I can get you, Ma'am?

Alt-Jackie: Twenty years of my life back would be nice.

Rose: Okay seriously, I've got to ask, but what's the matter with you?

Alt-Jackie: -Excuse me?

Rose: I mean you bitched at your husband for none of his ideas working, you bitch at him for being successful. What will it take for you to be happy?

Alt-Jackie: And who the heck are you to say this to me? You groupie sounding tart?

Rose: (In tears) Okay I'm sorry.

(And runs off)

Alt-jackie: Yeah, you better run! Ah. That's better.

* * *

Doctor: Rose, what's wrong?

Rose: Doctor my-my mother's a cow!

Doctor: ….And you've only just realised this?

Rose: I mean I should have known. She was horrible to almost everyone else but she was always sweet around me. I guess it is because I'm her only daughter and family member, it's just a shock that you think you know someone all your life then you find out twenty years later that they're a bitch!

Doctor: Well, like mother like daughter, I suppose. (Sniggers)

Rose: Doctor this is serious! I don't think you understand what a huge dilemma this is for me!

_Just then robots literally crash the party, rounding up survivors._

Doctor: We surrender! Just go ahead and assimilate us! Or whatever the equivalent of that is!

Cybermen: _NO. YOU WILL BE DELETED._

Doctor: What? I thought you turn all humanoids into Cybermen like yourselves?

Cybermen: _YOU HAVE BEEN DEEMED INCOMPATIBLE._

Doctor: -INCOMPATIBLE? BY WHOM?

Cybermen: _BY THE PLOT. DELETE. DELETE. DELETE._

Doctor: Oh yeah, like that isn't a blatant rip-off of the Daleks' 'EX-TER-MIN-ATE!'

Cybermen: _IT IS NOT! IT IS COMPLETELY ORIGINAL!_

Doctor: Suuure it is...

_Will the Cybermen delete the Doctor and his companions? Will they take over the world? Will 'Superman Returns' of this parallel universe prove to be a critical and commercial success so that they don't end up rebooting it (again) in the future making a 'Justice League' movie ever more nearer and tangible (And by critical success we mean accepted by the fans since despite what 'Ted' makes out 76% of critics gave it a positive review which is three points more than the Amazing Spider-Man got which is also considered to be a critical success though perhaps just as controversial among fans although somehow not as controversial as Superman Returns and not nearly as much as Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (Which is another movie, shocking as this might be, most critics liked! Seriously Indy 4 is not that bad! Maybe your disappointment wouldn't be as bad if your weren't skeptical about a movie staring an aged Indiana Jones meaning your expectations aren't so ridiculously high (And yet people have similar expectations about the upcoming Star Wars movie potentially starring an aged cast as well as a younger generation. Seriously! People make a huge fuss about who shot who first yet they don't mind a movie that will upset the established structure of the story featuring aged versions of their characters?), and yes aliens aren't exactly 'Indiana Jones', just accept they're inter-dimensional entities from the space between spaces, forget about the damn fridge, appreciate the fact that George Lucas was homaging the alien B-movies of the fifties the same way he was homaging the adventure B-movies with the original Indy movies AND GET OVER IT!) GAAAAASP and by commercial success we mean a movie that had made five hundred million dollars which was one hundred less than what the movie made on a budget of $270 million (Not including a hundred million spent on advertising) so yes the movie didn't make that much returning money but a sequel could have been more successful and have more action instead of rebooting the movie again, postponing a possible sequel by a few years and even though it's directed by Zach Snyder, produced by Chris Nolan, has somewhat of an intriguing storyline and a 'darkness' and 'realism' that audiences supposedly favour we still could have had a movie earlier with a couple of popular villains not done before instead of one with a questionable redesign of the costume, a female Jimmy Olsen, the absence of Lex Luthor and a villain who's ALREADY BEEN FRIGGIN DONE!) Gasp. gasp. Ahem. Find out the answers to most of these questions next time on-_

_WAIT A MINUTE! I'M BEING CUT OFF AGAIN! And who exactly are you?_

_I'm the Italic Narrator Guy. It's my job to bring cohesion to parodies and conclude each chapter._

_And does that usually include ranting about perceptions of controversial movies?_

_Not usually. I only intended to make a couple of remarks, but suddenly all this other stuff rolled out as well._

_COMMENTATOR!_

Commentator: Look, I'm sorry Rosie, but it's not our fault that there was alot of material this chapter!

_By this rate it really will take a year before I'm finished!_

Commentator: Oh no we're hoping next chapter will be your final one. Which should be out in a fortnight. Give or take.

* * *

**Warning. The following scene contains spoilers regarding a certain anime about ninjas. If you are one of the few fans of said anime who has managed to avoid learning major spoilers regarding its future, please look away now.**

Doctor: And where is that disappointment of a show now? Completely non-existent, so how do you even know about it?

Rose: Oh, I found it on one of your screens. Did you know that one of them is essentially a time-transcendent telly? I also found a future Spider-Man film as well. I can't believe they rebooted Spider-Man so soon!

Mickey: They rebooted Spider-Man?

Rose: Apparently.

Mickey: but, it's only had two successful movies! Is it any good?

Rose: Yes, actually.

Doctor: Oh yes no one can deny that 'The Amazing Spider-Man' is (Groan) good. Well. About thirty percent of critics can.

Rose: You don't agree?

Doctor: Oh no I (Groan) do.

Rose: You don't sound so happy about.

Doctor: Well, when you find out that they're doing Spider-Man from the beginning only ten years after the first film, and that it'd be darker and grittier like the Batman films, and you tell people for years that not many people are going to want to see the origin story again so soon and that the director's attempts to make a film appeal to apparent popular tastes will ultimately backfire, only for the movie to become a critical AND commercial success, well, it's a huge slap in the face and a big blow to one's ego. Kinda like how certain 'Naruto' fans probably felt after ridiculing Tobito theorists for years only to find out that they were actually right was itself a huge slap in the face. Or more precisely, like getting rammed in the face with a giant brick wall.

Rose: Um, Doc, I think you need to make your references a bit more, um, mainstream. I did not catch that at all!

Doctor: Really? But there was a cosplayer in an episode of 'The Cleveland Show', surely that means it's mainstream enough!

Rose: -What's 'The Cleveland Show'?

Mickey: Doc, shut up, I haven't got that far yet! You just gave away one of the biggest plot twists in all of anime! Come to think of it, I think you just gave away THE biggest plot twist in all of anime. You know what, screw it, you gave away the most anticipated revelation in ANY pop culture, more than the smoke monster!

Doctor: Oh don't get me started on that. All right, fine, it's then probably like how many 'Harry Potter' fans felt when after being so sure that he'd die at the end and that it was the only way to wrap up the series only to discover that he actually survived was a slap in the face.

Rose: Doc, shut up, the last book hasn't come out yet! Heck I don't think the sixth one's come out either.

Doctor: Oh. Really? Well how am I supposed to keep up with your times? Or more specifically, keep back with your times? from my perspective, it's 2013 (No thanks to this writer), 'Lost' and 'Harry Potter' are long finished, the 'Twilight' saga is long completed, both series of films have concluded with two part movies, 'Heroes' got its arse cancelled, and now people are doubting whether the tween genre is still popular, Batman's a trilogy, 'The Avengers' came out, 'Amazing Spider-Man' came out and now everyone is looking forward to the new Batman reboot and Marvel films, and waiting for 'Superman: The Man of Steel' and seeing if they can finally get a Justice League movie going!

Mickey: -What's 'Heroes'?

Doctor: Wait. That isn't out either by this point.

Mickey: Well what is it?

Doctor: Three words. NOT. WORTH. WATCHING.

* * *

(Elsewhere Claude Rains is tending to his pigeons.)

Claude Rains: Shudder. Why did I suddenly have the feeling to damn my successor even more than usual?


	7. The Impossible Satan is Her

**I do not own 'Doctor Who' or anything related.**

* * *

_Just when it seems we're about to be __exter-er__, I mean, 'deleted'! The Doctor whips out his sonic screw driver and defeats all of the __cyborgs._

Rose: -Wait. Is that it?

Doctor: Is what it?

Rose: After all that tension and suspense it's just instantly resolved with your sonic screwdriver?

Doctor: Well Rose, you should know by now that any problem that I'm at lost with can easily be resolved with my sonic screwdriver. It's like all of batman's gadgets rolled into one! Or a miniature version of the megasword. Anyway this isn't my sonic screwdriver, it's the Gallifrey power battery needed to bring us back home which conveniently finished charging whose energy I was somehow able to use as a weapon.

Rose: - Still feels like kind of a cheat to me.

* * *

Rose: So what were those creatures, Doctor?

Doctor: Cybermen. One of my top nemesis. Number four I think after Daleks, the Master and Davros.

Mickey: -Well that can't be right, Doctor! They were a little too big and metallic, doncha think?

Doctor: -Not Saibamen. CYBERmen. As in cybernetic humanoids, once fully organic then turned into cyborgs who want to turn other humanoids into cyborgs.

Rose: -You mean they're like British Borg?

Doctor: -Pretty much. Accept they're more machine, it can't be reversed and they came first. But it seems that one of the main differences in this reality is that characters with an extraterrestrial origin have a terrestrial one here.

Rose: You mean like it's the difference between Marvel and Ultimate Marvel?

Doctor: Precisely.

Pete: Hey, if you think they were threatening, you should have seen what Lumic was working on before! Some kind of genetically engineered squids in miniature tanks. Daleks I think they were called.

Doctor: I rest my case.

_While trying to infiltrate the facility, Alt-Dad and me get accosted by a Cyberman, who turns out to be more of a Cyberwoman._

Rose: -Mum?

Pete: My word. Jackie….YOU'VE GONE BUFF!

_While also infiltrating the facility, the Doctor and a member of an underground organization called Mrs Moore, came across and overpowered a Cyberman, who also turned out to be a cyberwoman._

Cyberman (Or Woman!): COLD. SO COLD.

Mrs Moore: What's wrong with her?

Doctor: Her emotion inhibitor is gone. She's miserable because without that she can't stand being in a cold, mechanical body.

Mrs Moore: Really? Cos I think I would love being in a robot's body-

Doctor: No you wouldn't.

_After getting captured, the Doctor along with me and Alt-Dad are brought before the newly created Cyber-Controller._

Cyber-controller: WELCOME PRISONERS, TO THE BEGINNING OF A NEW AGE. AN AGE OF ST-YOU!

Doctor: Me?

Cyber-controller: YOU DARE SHOW YOURSELF HERE? AFTER WHAT YOU DID?

Doctor: -I'm sorry. Have we met?

Cyber-controller: LISTEN TO MY VOICE, DOCTOR! RECOGNISE MY VOICE, DOCTOR? RECOGNISE MY VOICE, YOU PIECE OF S**T TIME LORD?

Doctor: Hey now, there's no need for language like that-

Cyber-controller: I LOOK DIFFERENT, BUT I BET YOU CAN RECOGNISE MY VOICE?

Doctor: (face brightens) Oh. (He smiles) Hello Father.

Cyber-controller: YOU'RE NO SON OF MINE!

Pete: Um, do you have any idea what they're talking about?

Rose: Not a clue.

**Yeah I know this was a terrible scene ! If you want to see a better take (or at least a different one) on this scene, check out the parody of this episode on ****fiveminutedotnet****!**

Cyber-Controller: PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE GOING TO APPEAL TO MY HUMANITY?

Doctor: Actually, I'm planning to threaten you.

Cyber-Controller: STALLING ME WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING.

Doctor: No no! Threatening. (Takes something out of his pocket) Jelly baby? No? You're sure? I'm having one (Puts it in his mouth)

Rose: Do you have the feeling they're referencing something that hasn't come out yet-

Cyber-Controller: THE CYBER-MEN ARE BEING MANUFACTURED. A NEW RACE. WHAT HAVE I TO FEAR?

Doctor: Well let's do a head count shall we Davros for the Cybermen? See, you're up against a regenerating, good looking last member of an extinct alien race that mastered time, a sassy girl who acts as the human element to the show, an IT wiz able to remotely shoot a harpoon missile from Plymouth at downing street, a wealthy businessman with inside knowledge of the company that produces the cyber-men, and a guy who um, um….we have an extra guy, that's always useful!

Cyber-Controller: I HAVE AN ARMY.

Doctor: We have an idot. Called Mickey. Who, say, if he was just happening to listen to this conversation, would listen to my hints and go to that particular section in the Lumic family database entitled 'plot resolution'.

Cyber-Controller: YOU WILL BE-

Doctor: Exterminated?

Cyber-Controller: DELETED! YOU WILL BE DELETED!

Doctor: Right, that was my second guess!

* * *

Mickey: Hold on, Doctor. I'm going to save the day! Again.

Jake: Wait, what are you doing?

Mickey: I'm going to hack into the Lumic database and find that code that will stop the Cybermen!

Jake: -Oh. Wait, you're good with computers?

Mickey: …Er, yeah. What, did I give the impression that I'm not into IT.

Jake: Well, it's just that, um….You're black.

(Awkward silence)

Mickey: ….So?

Jake: Hey now don't go beating the crap out of me or anything! I mean it wasn't a racist remark like that or anything, but it's just that your people have a reputation of being- um…not academically inclined. Not that you're less intelligent than white people or anything, but that due to your upbringing and social background that you would be more inclined for um…physical activities. Or musical.

Mickey: …Okay. You know, I'm sick of this. It's time someone showed the audience that not all black people are muscle bound, aggressive, lower class- (Jake stares at him) well, not aggressive and muscle bound I can at least prove!

* * *

Cyberman: What the-? I'm a robot? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Cyberman: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Cyberman: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Cyberman: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Cyberman: NO-

BOOM. BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM .

Pete: Okay. What's happening now?

Doctor: Yes! Aha! Mickey did it!

Pete: Did what?

Doctor: Disabled the Cybermen's emotional inhibitor chips so that they can't handle what they've become! Because that's what happens when humans get their brains placed in mechanical bodies with their emotions intact. Their heads explode.

Pete: -WHA-

Rose: Just go with what he's saying. I know it sounds like he's just making this up as he goes along, but that doesn't mean that it isn't true.

Pete: Of course it isn't true if he's just making it up! How can it be true?

Doctor: It's called Parallel Reality and Illusion Irony. The same logic that the Gruffalo ran on.

Pete: All right then, clever clogs, then why isn't his head exploding?

Cyber-Controller: NO! YOU HAVE DESTROYED MY CYBERMEN! RAAAAAAARGH!

Doctor: Um- um...(clicks his fingers) his high amount of emotion is acting as a buffer to the force building up threatening to cause his head to burst?

Pete: -So, the thing that's killing him, is keeping him alive?

Doctor: Yes!

Pete: ...That doesn't make any sense.

Doctor: Look, we can debate this later, right now we have an enraged Cyberman to run away from!

* * *

_After escaping from the Cyber-Controller (Who disappeared in a massive explosion like in an action movie) Alt-Dad asked me something._

Pete: There's one last thing I don't understand. Just who are you?

Rose: Me? Oh, I'm your daughter from an alternate reality.

Pete: -OH! A daughter, eh? That's mine and yet isn't. Well. Isn't that nice? Oh look at the time I've got to start helping destroying the Cybermen! Well, er, goodbye, AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Rose: Well. If that wasn't an unnecessary frightened man as I've ever seen one!

* * *

Mickey: I'm staying here.

Rose: What? Why?

Mickey: Well mainly because my gran who's not my gran is here, and even though she's a different person who raised a very different me and may die within the next few years leaving nothing for me here, hey! Gotta live for the present!

_After that adventure we came to a planet where humans were investigating a black hole, where strange things were happening._

Rose: Anyone else feel this whole episode is reminiscent of Horizon?

_It turned out that this planet was a prison for an alien that claimed to be the original Devil._

Doctor: Oh nooooo everyone, it's the original Satan! Run for your lives! Do you really think you're the first creature I've encountered who claimed to be the original Satan? You even sound like someone who claimed the exact thing, heck I've actually met creatures who were embodiments of evil!

_Later the Doctor would venture down the hole with help from a member of the crew._

Doctor: Does your religion have a devil?

Ida: No. Does yours?

Doctor: Nope. Don't you find it odd that this episode claims makes it out that the devil is a universal concept yet we've just have a conversation where neither of us have devils?

Ida: No, not really.

_After that adventure we went to the 2012 Olympics._

Rose: Wow! Seems Shane Ward's gotten big in 2012. What a and easily believable prediction!

Doctor: Yes, and not completely forgotten about after 2007.

Rose: (Shh!)

Doctor: What, I said not!

Rose: AAAAAAAAAAAH! D-Doctor what is that?

Doctor: What, some kind of scary drawing on a wall?

Rose: No! That, what is that, what even is that?

Doctor: I believe that it is the UK's Olympic mascot.

Rose: But, what does it have to do with Britain? How does it relate to the country?

Doctor: (Checks the leaflet) Apparently they're named after the places that were precursors to the modern Olympics and Paralympics games.

Rose: -Huh. Okay, that's understandable, but everything else? So what, China gets characters from a famous Chinese novel, Greece gets an ancient Greek doll, Australia gets its local animals, but we get a - a- I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE!

Doctor: Well just so you know, there are two of them.

Rose: Two of...Doctor we have to go back in time and stop these -whatever they are- from ever being created, so that we can have something that clearly represents the country!

Doctor: Sorry, can't do it.

Rose: What? Why, because of some no meddling with the timeline code? I mean it's not like we would have become part of that timeline yet.

Doctor: No, it's because if you intentionally go back in time in order to change history, and it's successful, then what would propel you to go back in time in the first place if the thing you wanted to change is no longer there? It's a little not well known and grossly underused concept known as the Apathy PARADOX. And as you should very well know from last year paradoxes are a no no! That's why last year a paradox was created when you saved your Dad.

Rose: I thought a paradox was created because I met my past self and the universe cares if a person meets with their past or future self?

Doctor: Oh really? Then why did the paradox right itself when your Dad died when that wasn't what caused it?

Rose: A hole in space and time.

Doctor: -What?

Rose: Anyway, I thought we didn't remember that whole paradox episode?

Doctor: -Um, a hole in space and time?

Rose: No, doctor. Just no.

_There, as it happened, a girl was being possessed by something, however the Doctor managed to save her and her family, while we enjoyed the opening of the __olympics__. With no casualties at all if that's shocking! Yet the Doctor is looking glum about it._

Rose: You should be pleased, Doctor! No one died in this episode! You usually get excited about that! Well your last incarnation did.

Doctor: Yes, and that's what disconcerting.

Rose: Why?

Doctor: Well, the last time people stopped dying so frequently, a lot of them died in the next episode.

_Are the Doctor's fears founded? Are we due for a massive body count for the finale? Will we FINALLY get back to that shore where Rose started her tale? Find out in the exciting conclusion of the adventures of Rose Tyler and the Tenth Doctor: Army of Doomsday. Coming soon. Probably. Hopefully. Nnnyeh, you know what, your best to give your hopes up, it'll probably come when you least suspect it._

* * *

Mickey: So wait a minute you're actually telling me that all of the aliens in marvel are earthlings in ultimate marvel? What about the symbiote?

Doctor: A product of Spider-Man's dad's research in a cure for cancer.

Mickey: And the Shiar?

Doctor: A cult dedicated to the worship of the Phoenix.

Mickey: And Mojo?

Doctor: An anti-mutant human who arranges illegal mutant fights.

Mickey: GASP! And the Kree?

Doctor: Non-existant.

Mickey: AND THE SKRULL?

Doctor: ...Well, okay, they're still in it.

Mickey: And Galactus-

Doctor: Okay, so maybe not ALL of the Marvel aliens, but a good number have either been excluded or terrestrialised.

Rose: They also turned the Savage Land into an hallucination and changed Spider-Man's spider from being radioactive to genetically engineered.

Doctor: Right you are Rose. After all, grounding the series into reality as much as possible is the reason why Ultimate Marvel has proven so popular.

* * *

Red Skull: Wait a minute, did you just summon a bunch of iron men armours in one sec?

Iron Man: Yeah. So?

Red Skull: That's against the laws, isn't it?

Iron Man: Screw the laws, my whole body's a giant brain!

Red Skull: Oh. Wait, what?

Iron Man: That's right, Red Skull! I have a genetic condition in which every cell in my body has developed neural tissue, effectively making my body one brain! How else do you explain all this advanced technology that I have?

Red Skull: Um, your rich and intelligent?

Iron Man: No. That's not believable at all. No one will buy that! You see we here at Ultimate Marvel strive to make our continuity as down to earth, relatable and realistic as possible, and the only way to explain my high IQ is that my body is in fact a giant brain!

Red Skull: That really just makes it unnecessarily complicated. I mean I liked how the spider that gave Peter Parker his powers has been updated to being genetically enhanced and that both Captain America and Thor lost their wings and I love how it wasn't clear whether he really was Thor or a nutter, and I can even accept that the existence of the mutants in the world is somehow due to the attempt at trying to recreate the superhero formula! But the explanation for Tony Stark's genius intellect is because he essentially has a giant brain? That's just plain stupid! It's almost as random as the Green Goblin suddenly declaring that killing Spider-Man is God's will. Where the heck did that come from anyway? I mean I know that you Americans don't feel right unless you read or write at least one story about religious fanaticism on a regular basis, but that's just being excessive! I mean wouldn't that make your tumour which is the size of a golf ball that is going to kill you the equivalent of a speck if you essentially have brain matter throughout your body? Makes about as much sense as Magneto's reasoning for eating human flesh, because I'm sure that early Homo Sapiens Sapiens were all like 'Hey! You Neanderthals are a separate species, meaning it's okay to eat you!' What's with all the cannibalism, anyway? What are the writers expressing some hidden desires or something-

Iron Man: By the way, I should probably mention that in this continuity, you're American too.

Red Skull: What.

Iron Man: Not only that, but you're the long lost son of Captain America.

Red Skull: No. No. That's not true. That's impossible!

Iron Man: And the reason you're called the Red Skull is because you felt such an inferiority complex over having Captain America as your father that you cut off your own face, surviving any form of death that would have resulted in such an action!

Red Skull: ...You know what? F**k this. (Loads a gun) I refuse to let myself be sucked into your convoluted, Strulbrugian mess of a reimagined comic book franchise. (Holds the gun to his head) Goodbye, Ultimate World.

Gun: BANG!

Gail Richards: Son! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Captain America: He died before knowing they retconned that whole Iron Man origin into an anime movie!

Iron Man: Yeah. Wait what?


End file.
